Driving in India

This hilarious article was written by a Dutchman who spent two years in
India, as a visiting expert. A little long article but worth
reading it!!!

Driving in India
For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to
drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are
applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a
vehicle is only marginally safer.
Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do
your best, and leave the results to your insurance company. The hints are as
follows: Do we drive on the left or right of the road?
The answer is "both".
Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that
case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by
occupying the next available gap, as in chess. Just trust your instincts,
ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much
misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their
vehicles in the generally intended direction.

Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself except for a belief in
reincarnation; the other drivers are not in any better position. Don't stop
at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You
may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back.

Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is
moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town.
Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of
the dead.
Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to
express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk
blasts),or just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar. Keep
informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic
jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the
rainwater to recede when over ground traffic meets underground
drainage.
Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking colored lights
and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy
pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact
with the Almighty, often meeting with success.

Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi):
The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this
three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a
mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron
rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at
an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations, children are
folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the
periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags
are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions
with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the
peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws
of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules
depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.

Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like
an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at
break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the
moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather
drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped"
off the tarmac.

Leaning Tower of Passes:
Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is
absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in
turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying
laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for
overload (so many Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked.
Steer clear of these buses by a width of three
passengers.
One-way Street: These
boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab
lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In
metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at
once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy
type. Least I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also. Rash
and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a
"speed breaker"; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers the
water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy
identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover
the pipe for year-end
accounting.
Night driving on Indian
roads can be an exhilarating experience for those with the mental make up of
Genghis Khan. In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do
not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn
on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On
encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until
the phenomenon passes.
Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your
lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and
with the peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has had at the last stop, his total
cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers are
the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter
a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not
a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on,
usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to
investigate. You may prove your point
posthumously.


Happy driving.......